So, the Champions League final, disappointingly tame in the end. Real Madrid won it on penalties, Cristiano Ronaldo – who had done approximately nothing all game – spanked home the last one after Juanfran had hit the post. And of course he took his top off. This is his life. It's the only true expression of joy he knows. For if people cannot see his nipples then how can he be truly happy? It's not the achievement, it's the opportunity to display those pecs. But look, we should be used to his rampant narcissism by now, and in a way it's almost admirable. You would think at this point and at his age he might vary things a little but no, he sticks resolutely to his guns (see what I did...
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