The Mill has never paid much attention to Ángel Di María’s tattoos and nor, presumably has Louis van Gaal. And that might just be where we’re both going wrong. Because suspicions have been aroused this morning that there is more to the Argentinian’s inkwork than meets the eye, which is just as well because all that meets the eye is a collection of stars, numbers and smudges that look awfully like nearly everyone else’s tattoos. But here’s the thing: when Di María is placed under a special infra-red light, his body art actually contains coded clues to the location of an unimaginably vast treasure stash that hunters have been seeking for centuries.
That, at any rate, is what the Mill has deduced from reports that Bayern Munich have grown so desperate to get their clutches on Di María that, in return, they are willing to offer Manchester United a large sum of cash, Arjen Robben and Thomas Müller! And some reports go so far as to claim that the German club may even throw Bastian Schweinsteiger into the deal, too! Heck, if United stand their ground they may even be able to get Bayern to add Manuel Neuer, Pep Guardiola, a fleet of BMWs and the Hofbräuhaus.
Manchester City, meanwhile, are going to have to fork out a small treasure stash of their own if they are to land Kevin De Bruyne, especially now that Paris Saint-Germain have made the Belgian their No1 target. PSG are also complicating City’s quiet pursuit of Hachim Mastour, with the French club now the favourite to prise the 17-year-old Moroccan from Milan. But City aren’t going to dwell on that disappointment, instead they’re going to engage in more retail therapy and return to Anfield to give Liverpool the £50m they want for Raheem Sterling. Better batten down the hatches, Southampton.
Chelsea, Arsenal and Real Madrid are all linked with the Napoli left-back Faouzi Ghoulam, who has shown the skills he learned at the ever popular Footballer Media Training course by giving a textbook recital of the “flattered to hear about it, but just concentrating on my job” response to such speculation.
Question: if Ryan Mason is as good as some fans claim, how come Spurs are plotting a bid of £20m plus Aaron Lennon for Everton’s James McCarthy? And here’s another question: is the Mill right to be utterly bemused by reports that at least five clubs are preparing bids of up to £15m for Andros Townsend? Explanations have yet to be provided by West Ham, Aston Villa, Swansea, Newcastle or Sunderland. One report this morning has gone so far as to claim that Spurs are unwilling to let the winger go for so little. The Mill has obviously drunk too much. Or not enough.
Everton, meanwhile, fancy the Juventus centre-back Angelo Ogbonna, but will have to do battle with West Ham to get him.
That David De Gea-Hugo Lloris chain reaction might be about to kick in, as Iker Casillas is poised to leave Real Madrid for Porto. Lyon are lining up another offer for the Marseille centre-back Nicolas N’koulou. West Ham’s Stewart Downing is heading northwards, either to Sunderland or Middlesbrough.
Esteban Cambiasso, who has yet to sign a new deal with Leicester, could soon be part of Mark Hughes’s Stoke revamp. And so could Reading’s Ali al-Habsi, who will be drafted in as Jack Butland’s deputy if Asmir Begovic gets his dream move to become Thibaut Courtois’ deputy at Chelsea.
Finally, goodbye.