Not wanting to boast but, the detail of that third goal aside, that was pretty much as we thought it’d go. Arsenal were lucky, though, as their first penalty was very debatable. They turned the screw well enough after that. Stoke certainly fight hard but can’t score, or really create a lot, and Shaqiri’s corner against the post was the sum of their attacking efforts. They may well be going down.

Now go and visit Jacob Steinberg for Chelsea v Tottenham. And thanks for bearing with me this afternoon!

There we go.

90+1 min: A bit of a scuffle between the players, now, with Stoke especially exercised. They must be frustrated as this has for the most part been an absolutely nothing game. Allen is booked for the original challenge on Lacazette.

Aubameyang eschews the chance of a hat-trick and instead Lacazette takes, converting in very similar fashion and giving the scoreline a pretty ridiculous sheen.

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This one is much clearer, Ndiaye bundling into Lacazette as the pair chase a ball down the right edge of the box. There was little need, and he was never going to win that anyway. The linesman correctly awards the spot kick.

Yes, there’s the 2-0. Ozil delivers the corner and Mustafi flicks on. It finds Aubameyang 12 yards out and, shaping himself in the textbook fashion, he lashes low beneath Butland. There we go.

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85 min: Butland saves twice! Arsenal are finding plenty of space now and he is sharp to save an angled Mkhitaryan strike with his legs, getting up to bat away a considered Ozil curler. But then ...

84 min: By the way, it was fairly evident at first glance but the more I see replays the more I think that definitely wasn’t a penalty. Where’s the VAR, eh?* (*I’m joking)

83 min: Butland is out and about to the left of his goal to hold up Ramsey, and then clutches an angled effort from Mkhitaryan. Stoke break and Ndiaye should perhaps do better than curl harmlessly wide after receiving a smart Crouch header down on the edge of the ‘D’.

82 min: Crouch wins his first header. Then Diouf wins a header. But Stoke really don’t have the tools to get anything out of this now, and quite probably don’t have the wherewithal to stay up either.

80 min: Here’s Crouchy! On for Sobhi. Can he celebrate his 550th career league game with a goal?

78 min: What have Stoke got now? Will Peter Crouch get an airing?

76 min: Elneny is replaced by Xhaka and Wilshere by Mkhitaryan. I think that penalty was harsh but it did come at a time when the game was, at long long last, opening up.

Slotted into the corner and our half-time prophecy looks pretty close to the mark.

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Ozil tricks into the box, prepares to pass and ... oh, doesn’t Martins Indi get a touch there? Ozil goes down and Craig Pawson gives the penalty instantly, but I thought the defender got the ball first as he stretched in to intervene. Ozil went down though, and that did the job.

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73 min: That was far more action in a minute than we’d seen in the previous 72. These are the days!

72 min: Things are happening! Berahino is onside from a throw-in, and just for a moment that interminable drought might be over ... but the angle is tight and Ospina blocks. Straight down the other end and Aubameyang is sent away by Ozil in an even better position, waiting perhaps a little too long before trying to dink over Butland, who stands firm! Lacazette eventually gets another chance by the right byline but has to settle for a corner ... which strikes Chambers right in front of goal and into the arms of Butland!

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69 min: Another Stoke corner, their fifth ... and Shaqiri hits the post! He can’t have meant that, surely, but he bends it in from the right and it whips beyond everyone, thudding off Ospina’s far upright and out! It’s the closest we have come!

68 min: Sobhi again finds open grass on the left but again can’t find a final ball. He earns a corner, though, which leads to a small spell of Stoke pressure. Shaqiri shoots straight at Ospina with his weaker right foot to put an end to all that.

66 min: A Wilshere daisycutter that Butland could chuck a cap on doesn’t count as a proper chance. Johnson is booked, shortly after that, for a late one on Aubameyang.

65 min: A cute Ozil ball for Lacazette results in a corner, which in turn results in nothing. But Stoke are pretty deep now and I fancy that Arsenal may create a proper chance soon.

63 min: Imagine how small this crowd will look when the Emirates does its normal thing of draining in the final 20 minutes.

61 min: Berahino replaces Diouf, then, and Arsenal make a change of their own – Alexandre Lacazette is back, and on for Welbeck. That’s an upgrade, for sure.

60 min: Diouf is down, Ozil sportingly putting the ball out to facilitate treatment during an Arsenal attack. On will come Saido Berahino! He couldn’t *score*, could he?

58 min: And they’ve woken up a little bit now, getting men over on the right and coming closer when N’Diaye blocks a goalbound Elneny shot from Bellerin’s cutback, Monreal’s low drive from the second ball being dived upon by Butland. That’s two shots on target in this game!

57 min: Arsenal’s best bit of work in the first 57 minutes sees Ozil pop one into Ramsey, who lays off perfectly for Welbeck, only to see his team-mate snatch the volley wide. It was a nice move.

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55 min: Ospina flails underneath a skied Allen cross but survives, though he may have taken a knock for his troubles. Arsenal break at speed, which hasn’t happened very often, and Pieters is sharp to head away an Aubameyang delivery.

54 min: Could we just end this Premier League season now for everybody bar Manchester City and, let’s say, the teams between 13th and 18th? Who’s up for that?

52 min: Shaqiri delivers it woefully though. Are you surprised?

51 min: A Shaqiri free-kick is headed away with Shawcross lurking. Now Bellerin fouls N’Diaye though, and it’s a Stoke set piece in a position of genuine threat on the left.

49 min: Wilshere tries to break through but Shawcross clears. It’s as quiet so far as it was in the first half.

46 min: Pieters seems OK physically now, but a cross behind Ospina’s goal suggests there’s still a way to go technically.

It won’t be any worse. It will be better!

“I have some work to finish so decided to forgo watching Arsenal today,” brags Kari Tulinius very unfairly. “Generally if I decide not to watch a game it’s a thriller with at least seven goals. So the second half should be an absolute belter. That or my arbitrary actions have no affect on the wider universe, but I feel like believing in jinxes is about 75% of what being a football fan is all about.”

I mean, look, we try and bring you the most thorough coverage possible but that was such an awful half’s football that there is virtually nothing to say. But this is how I see it: Arsenal, operating at 30%, have been worse than a Stoke side operating close to 100% but Stoke aren’t good enough to put them away. Arsenal will step it up by roughly 25% and it’ll be enough to win them the game by two goals to nil. And everybody still feels a bit (half-) empty.

Let us never talk about that half again.

45+1 min: Mustafi goes in for a header with Sobhi and catches a heavy blow as the pair tumble. Shaqiri marauds away down the right but it was a knock to Mustafi’s head to play is rightly stopped. The physio is on and I think it’s not as bad as it first looked – he’s up and walking off, presumably to come back on.

44 min: Ozil delivers another free-kick, from an almost identical position – and the denouement, a Chambers header wide, is pretty darn similar too.

42 min: Ozil swings in a delicious free-kick, which was well won by Monreal, but the ball spins behind of some part or other of Chambers’ anatomy.

41 min: Now a bit of Arsenal pressure, a corner coming to nothing but possession being maintained, but eventually the ball ends up back with Ospina and boooooooos are audible.

39 min: Arsenal mess about, for the umpteenth time, in their own half and Stoke again have a good position but again aren’t good enough to make it count, Allen selling Diouf short with his pass.

38 min: Elneny is rightly booked for catching Allen nastily late. Stoke have a free-kick midway inside the home half, at a decent angle for Shaqiri to deliver. He does, but the flag goes up instantly.

37 min: Worrying for Stoke, of course, is that even though Arsenal look utterly torpid they have rarely looked seriously like landing a blow.

35 min: Chambers does well to head a Shaqiri cross away, and then Bauer wins Stoke’s third corner of the game. It comes in from the right, via Shaqiri, but it’s got rather a lot on it and Shawcross can’t direct his back-post header towards goal.

34 min: My goodness, this game is bad. And it’s not looking great, specifically, for Eric Pieters – who is feeling his groin and I think may struggle to carry on. He’s on his feet for now.

32 min: Imagine if this MBM was, like the Emirates, half-full. Obviously it would never be: you only get Champions League-chasing service here.

30 min: Mustafi makes a crucial block from Sobhi, running at him one-on-one, after unnecessary play from Ozil landed Arsenal in momentary trouble.