Greetings, my sapient friends. I am currently using the power of a 5-dimensional Tesseract to send gravity across space and time to press buttons on an unmanned NSA laptop to send you this electronic epistle. It may seem like I have been gone for months but due to the gravitational pull of a nearby collapsed star in the solar system I am in it has been mere days for me. I am currently assisting Prime Senator Shat Parp on the planet Andipeters in warfare against the evil General Hony Tadley. The Prime Senator and the General have been engaged in a bitter power struggle for the right to rule over Andipeters. I cannot divulge much of my role, our tactics or our counter-intelligence in case it...
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